Back from a hiatus

I apologize for the insanely long break after my first post, the tablet which I use to access Tumblr was broken. I have it fixed, somewhat now and will comence my journal again. I would like to start by announcing my imminent courtship of a lovely lady whom I am head over heels about. Her eyes for one strike me a so beautiful it takes my breath away whenever I talk to her. And her personality is so Yin to my Yang that it shocks me how in love with her I am becoming. She has a certain old world beauty about her, not one of these stick thin girls walking around, she has the substance required to be beautiful. She also has a certain immaturity about her, but so do I, and is, when the context calls for it, able to sober up and be serious. She is an amazing wordsmith and I find myself in awe sometimes at her ability to form sentences and use advanced adjectives that few these days even know. Sufice to say, I am completely ready to be more that just romantic friends with her. Updates tomorrow. Until then, stay cool, my subjects.

Ex-girlfriend Dilema

I went out with this girl starting about 12 months ago. Well, I suppose it wasn’t really going out, because she had a boyfriend, and while we never really considered what we were doing to be cheating at first, because we mainly hung out and talked. And I guess she really wasn’t a girl, she is two and a half years older than me, making her 18 at the time and 19 now. We proceeded to be “With each other” for six months after the beginning of our mutual admission of infatuation. During this period there was much progression in our relationship. I feel deeply in love with her, as I knew I would, because any girl I see any sense in dating always turns out to be amazing in my eyes, if not others.

But, you see, she is the manic-depressive type. And not the kind that does it for attention. She attempted to commit suicide twice while I was with her and was highly aneorexic. Of course, being in love with her, this drove me nearly insane, just thinking of the dangers to her wellbeing. Executed by herself, no less. And to top things off, despite my constant assurances that I did indeed love her as much as I thought I could, she never believed me. Sometimes she would say she thought I was mistaken and others that I was lying. It all depended on her disposition at the time.

Making matters worse is my passive feelings as an empath. I felt every time she said she thought I didn’t love her, and it cut like a knife. Eventually, I couldn’t stand it any longer, lest I be driven mad. So I just kind of slipped out of her life. Willfully avoiding her. Not returning her calls. It didn’t take her long to figure it out and she stopped trying. I told myself for a while that I did it how I did it because I thought she would try to kill herself if I didn’t. But the truth is that is a lie to make myself feel better. I did what I did because I am a coward. I was too afraid of having to deal with something real, something I might not be able to control that I just ran away.

And now, 6 months later, I regret what I did. I wish I had stuck it out so as to work it through and perhaps chisel away at the stone surrounding her fragile but beautiful heart. I am afraid that I have messed up beyond repair now, no matter how long I try. I have sent correspondance to her since I have not seen her in so many months, and received response and responded myself. Her response was not one of welcoming embrace, and I did not expect it to be. But the very fact she responded at all mean psychologically she still hopes there is a chance. Because someone who really wanted nothing to do with me wouldn’t have bothered at all.

Her message of “You can’t love someone you don’t remember” still haunts me. I hate myself for what I have done, but feel that I keep things in too much. The world must know if my selfborne plight. Thank you for reading.

New use for this blog.

I think I am now going to use this blog as a stream of consciousness whenever I feel like it. The time between my posts may be minutes, hours or even days. But without fail, whenever something bothers me or occurs to me, I will post it here and hope that if it’s something I need help with, I find it, or if it is just a statement or speculation, that it helps someone. So welcome to the ride. First post will be in a few minutes.